Eight years ago, my younger brother, Timothy D. Kim, was murdered. Tim and I didn’t always get along or agree on everything; we were very different. But Tim had so many qualities. We shared a lot of laughter and love. My heart is sad every time I hear that siblings no longer speak to each other.
Even within nuclear families, we are divided on every issue – politics, science, immigration, gender, race, climate – to the point that we no longer speak to each other. Is a disagreement important enough to “cut” our flesh and blood? Likewise, can one so easily dismiss friends due to disagreements, as is the trend today? Aren’t the valuable relationships with our family and friends worth fighting for?
Over the past year, I began seeing a Christian psychologist and psychiatrist about long-standing trauma and associated mental health issues.
One afternoon, my psychologist and I were deploring today’s society. He observed something so simple and yet notoriously difficult for people to accept: “God never wanted us to agree on everything. A basic human ethic is that people can have different opinions.
People will disagree and are waiting disagree with each other. Why, then, is it so difficult to ignore differing opinions and remain civil to one another? On non-essential issues, why can’t we disagree and still be friendly? Why are we so afraid of “the other”?
Why do we so nonchalantly reject or end relationships within the family of God, whose spiritual blood we share? Whether it’s women in pastoral leadership, Christian nationalism, or racism, vitriolic conflicts lead to relational discomfort and demise within the Church.
Satan’s primary mission is to divide people from each other and from God, whether by isolating us during the COVID-19 pandemic or dividing us into factions through social media.
The Accuser takes the ordinary disagreements of life and elevates them to toxic proportions. And every time we fan the flames of anger and antagonism, we further Satan’s plan to divide and conquer Christians rather than sowing peace and loving others well.
In the foreword at Helen Riess The empathy effect: 7 keys based on neuroscience to transform the way we live, love, work and connect across differencesasks actor Alan Alda,
What allows us to connect with others? What helps us build things together? Collaborate selflessly? What is this powerful force that can push us to give the best of ourselves? … How can we get our hands on this fundamental element that helps us thrive?
Literally translated from Greek for “in” (em) and “feeling” (pathy), empathy. implied “the ability to imagine and understand the thoughts, perspective, and emotions of another person,” according to the Oxford Concise Medical Dictionary. Empathy helps us feel seen and known.
Of course, empathy is not an easy task. Biblically speaking, it is an extension of the application of Paul’s relational ethics:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vanity. On the contrary, with humility, value others before yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you thinking of the interests of others. (Phil. 2:3-4)
Three practices can help us demonstrate empathy, so that we become more Christ-like than culture-like.
First, empathy requires abandoning our idols. “You shall have no other gods before me” is the first commandment (Ex. 20:3). If something, someone, or an ideology is so important to us that we feel we must “cancel” or end all interaction with another person, then we may be committing idolatry. Nothing is more important than God and what God desires. And God wants us to love others, even when we disagree.
What ideologies, identities or practices cause us to fight and quarrel with others? “Don’t they come from your desires that are fighting within you? James 4:1 suggests this.
To empathize with another, I must be willing to recognize that the things that divide us may be due to my idolatry. Am I willing to listen to the opinions or experiences of others and suspend any interjections? Am I ready to demolish my idols for the unity of the Church and the people of God and to maintain fraternal communion? Will I regularly confess these idols to the Lord and others? Will I eradicate them from my life? Idols that destroy relationships need to be recognized and put to rest.
Second, empathy requires listening to others, whether we believe they are right or not. Too many of us prioritize accuracy over relationships.
Several years ago, I watched in horror as a pastor and one of his followers publicly fought on social media over the issue of baptism. Rather than prioritizing the relationship, the pastor berated the church member and called him a heretic for disagreeing with him. This unfiltered and heartbreaking exchange was exposed for the entire world to see. I suspect the church member left the congregation, but I pray she has not left the faith.
No one wants to make a mistake and few of us like to be challenged. But we can show kindness even when we think we are right, because our calling as Christians is to be agents of grace. Peter first says, “Each of you should use the gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms” (4:10). We can take inventory of our friendships over the past two or three years and ask ourselves: Did I lose friends because I was right? Will I choose relationships over rightness in the future?
Third, empathy requires multiple perspectives. Like most people, I enjoy reading books, journal articles, and reviews in which I am essentially told that I am right. It is comforting to read authors who defend our demands. But as my colleague Scott M. Gibson pointed out to me, the more we read the same authors, the same publishing houses, the same journals and magazines, the same denominational pamphlets and the same news outlets, the more our universe of thought narrows, strengthens. , and becomes hermetically closed.
Can we try reading a whole book this year by an author from a different camp or with a completely different perspective? It can drive us crazy. We can disagree. We can absolutely hate the book. But could we try to note some laudable ideas or “benefits” of the book?
If we only read our beloved theological heroes, Christian writers, and novelists, it truncates our appreciation and ability to see the world from the experiences of others. Is it possible that they are saying something that we have not thought, noticed or experienced ourselves? Reading in a positive feedback loop shuts down the ability to think for ourselves. Empathy emerges when we read and digest opposing viewpoints, even though it may seem infuriating.
I think Alan Alda is right that empathy is the much-needed “secret sauce” missing from our cultural moment. We can and should pursue empathy with intentionality and prayer. This doesn’t mean we become anxious doormats. On the contrary, “perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18).
At the end of our lives, I pray that we will not look back on these polarized days and wonder: Should I have cared more about putting people in their place or the very people Jesus died for?
So, Lord, please give us a spirit of empathy. Let it start with me. Let it begin with us, “little Christs”. This is exactly what the world needs right now.
Matthew D. Kim is Professor of Practical Theology and Hubert H. and Gladys S. Raborn Chair of Pastoral Leadership at Truett Theological Seminary (Baylor University), as well as the author of the forthcoming book. Becoming a more friendly Church (Lexham Press, 2024). Expressing yourself is Christianity todayIt is guest review column.
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