A substantial number practicing Christians think living together before marriage is a good idea—at least 41 percent, by an estimate. Although many more non-religious people believe the same (88%), 41% is not a small group and this figure is likely to grow over time.
A recent report from the Institute for Family Studies surveyed people who married for the first time between 2010 and 2019. My colleague Galena Rhoades and I found similar findings to previous studies: Patterns of premarital cohabitation remain associated with higher risks of divorce.
What people often miss is the inertia that comes with moving in together. Essentially, cohabiting couples make it harder to break up before they set their commitments. Many of them find themselves stuck in a relationship they might otherwise have walked away from.
Consistent with our inertia theory, we find that couples who moved in together before engagement were 48% more likely to end their marriages than those who cohabited only after getting married or at least engaged. We also show that moving in together for reasons of “relationship testing” or financial convenience is associated with higher risks of divorce.
In light of this research, Christians considering marriage might wonder what they can do to improve their chances of staying married. Relationship advice is cheap and easy to get. But this latest research suggests that certain steps and precautions will improve the chances of staying together “till death do us part.”
First of all, don’t believe the hype that living together is good for your relationship.
Although conservative Christians are less likely than most to cohabit before marriage, many do. Since most men and women believe that it can increase their chances of marital success, this practice is very tempting. But there is very little evidence that living together in advance improves the chances of a lasting marriage. On the other hand, there is ample evidence that it complicates this goal.
Disregarding cultural trends, couples should consider the traditional route: engagement first, then marriage, then moving in together. These steps help ensure clarity of the commitment you make as you move forward in life together. They also give you a clearer decision line that separates your life before and after marriage.
To slow down. Timing and sequence can put you on the right relationship path.
There are benefits to moving slowly as a relationship develops. Super slow? No. Some couples wait years and years to get married, long after they know what they want the future to look like. This approach can bring its own problems – for example, getting married without the joy and energy of a shared commitment.
Why is it important not to rush things? Two people need time to learn about each other, clarify their expectations and beliefs, and develop their relationship within a family and religious community. In too many relationships, both partners believe they are on the same page about marriage when they are not. It takes time to gain clarity. Some Christians move too quickly toward marriage because they abstain from sex and want access to everything. But they miss a lot of what they need to see.
How fast should you go? It depends. I often tell people that they should stick with a person for at least four seasons. For most, however, a year is a shorter period. Likewise, a long commitment can be valuable. This gives the couple an opportunity to practice a high level of commitment and “try” to be publicly devoted to each other with marriage as the goal. And this often leads to challenges that can make or break the relationship.
Decide; does not slip.
A commitment involves making the choice to give up other choices. This is a decision that must be based on good information. But surprisingly few relationships follow this basic pattern. An important study on cohabitation watch that people tend to live together, without discussion about it and without decisions reflecting commitment.
We see a similar lack of intention in the way men and women communicate. We live in the the age of ambiguity. Partners often avoid being frank with each other, perhaps in the naive belief that if they don’t express their desires, they will suffer less if the relationship fails. But of course, this rarely works. Although it’s not a good idea to have “the talk” on a first or second date, don’t avoid deeper discussions when things change and get serious.
Openness is especially important because romantic partners often have very different levels of commitment. You don’t want to find out after you say “yes.” By talking with a potential spouse, you leave less room for misunderstanding and are more likely to turn a mutual intention into a lifelong promise.
This “decisive” approach does not guarantee success in a relationship, nor does it mean that you are doomed. But, overall, more marriages would last if partners received clear signals well before making life-changing transitions.
Don’t move in together to test the relationship.
If you want to know if the person you’re dating is right for you, you can do so without moving in. Take a relationship education course. Talk about what a future together would look like. See if you’re compatible by dating for a longer period of time. Take time to get to know your partner in different social settings. Pay attention to how you feel around this person and how they treat others. And ask your trusted friends, family members, and pastors what they think.
If you’re currently living with your partner, work hard to figure out where you’re going. Study the relationship and its challenges. Speak openly and clearly about your expectations. Don’t avoid asking difficult questions. Ambiguity is not your friend. Seek advice from others you trust, including pastors, lay leaders, and wise friends. Get information, support and wisdom wherever you can find it. And finally, use all available resources.
Any seriously committed couple can explore the many books, online resources, workshops, and therapeutic services created to support them. Here are some suggestions:
Books:
Consider reading The five love languages: the secret to a love that lasts by Gary Chapman, Reconnected: Going from Roommates to Soulmates in Your Marriage by Greg and Erin Smalley, or An Enduring Promise: The Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage by me and my colleagues – Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain, Milt Bryan – as well as other books on relationships and marriage preparation.
Premarital training or counseling:
Evidence suggests That premarital education and counseling services can help prevent marital problems, so look for premarital support in your area. Your local church can also be a great resource. Pastors or lay leaders in your faith community can offer helpful advice.
For couples facing problems, find help as soon as possible. Too many people wait too long to get professional help. And if you’re in a relationship that you’re unsure about, consult a counselor yourself who can help you gain perspective.
Workshops for couples:
Although still rare, more and more churches are offering marriage and relationship workshops (as are various community agencies). These educational workshops can help couples strengthen their connection and commitment. You can also find rigorously tested online programs for couples. They don’t come from a Christian perspective, but they are solid programs nonetheless.
OurRelationship is an online relationship education program based on a popular and effective couples therapy approach. Find it on ourrelationship.com.
ePREP is an online program built on decades of work in prevention and relationships education. Find it on lovetakeslearning.com.
Also search for other online resources.
The team at PREP Inc. — full disclosure: I am a co-owner — produces a variety of resources to help people succeed in their most important relationships, including a four-minute video based on our research, available on YouTube: “DUI Relationship: Are You Sure You’re in Love?“This video explains the risks of going too fast and getting stuck too quickly. This is a fantastic video to share with a friend.
The Institute of Family Studies also offers relevant resources. A few years ago, my colleague Galena Rhoades and I wrote a public report called Before “I do” on how premarital experiences are associated with postmarital relationship quality.
Ecclesial community:
There is a lot of talk these days about loneliness and isolation. This is a serious problem. Research suggests that couples are also increasingly less likely to be in community with others and more likely to be “alone together.” This is not the best path for your marriage.
But there is good news. If you are not involved in a church community, you can be. One of the best ways to protect your marriage—and your own well-being—is to connect with others who can support you and your marriage, pray with you, and be there along the way. You can also support and encourage others in a similar position.
If you’re a “alone together” couple, find a place where you and your spouse (or future partner) can grow within a community and start living a fuller, more meaningful life. This is one of the many ways you can both decide your future, without letting each other slide.
Scott Stanley is a research professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Denver and a principal investigator at the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia and the Institute for Family Studies.