“This is what we do! We fight!” he shouts to her. He overturns a table, insults her and even threatens to hate her if she leaves. Then, as Ally walks to her car to escape the argument, Noah suddenly becomes sweet and kind, begging her to stay, and when she resists, he gets angry again and says he didn’t afraid of hurting her before invalidating her decision again. .
This may seem like an abusive argument at the national level. It’s actually a scene from one of the most popular romance films of all time, “The Notebook.”
Although this film is full of insults, crying and even indirect threats of suicide, Nicholas Sparks’ “The Notebook” is considered the climax of a true love story. While arguments, persistence, ultimatums, and kissing in the rain can be fun to watch for the entertainment of a romance movie, they can unconsciously reinforce unhealthy and harmful expectations of a relationship.
A trope often portrayed in media that is particularly annoying is the “grumpy and sunny” trope (e.g. Luke and Lorelai, Harry and Sally, etc.). In this, the icy, pessimistic character (often male) falls in love with the optimistic, sunny character (often female) and it is shown that the pessimist only has a weakness for them while hating everyone.
This can also fall under the “bad boy” trope, where a troubled man needs to be saved by the love of a good woman. Most often in these tropes we see the optimist spending time with people other than the pessimist. Once the pessimist discovers this, he acts out and becomes possessive, encouraging the optimist to cut ties with others. While this can be a fun read in a romance novel, this behavior can lead to signs of emotional abuse, such as isolation.
Although some of us may fantasize about being told “no one else can have you,” three of the main warning signs that someone may be an abuser are behaviors such as extreme jealousy , possessiveness and unpredictability. Isolation is not always achieved by force; it can be asserted through more subtle forms of manipulation, such as pressure tactics or victim blaming. By cutting off the victim’s other relationships, it can disaffiliate them from their community, making it easier for the abuser to influence their own beliefs on the victim.
Non-consensual sex is also often romanticized in the media. The film adaptation of the novel “Fifty Shades of Grey” has grossed more than $300 million worldwide since its release in 2015. Although the film is hailed as a steamy romance that demonstrates bondage, discipline and sadomasochism (BDSM), there is a clear lack of mutual consent between protagonists Christian and Ana. Ana is clearly uncomfortable with Christian’s obsession with rough and nasty sex.
There is a clear power imbalance in this film: Christian is a billionaire CEO, while Ana is a young, sexually inexperienced student. Christian stalks Ana at her job, berating her clothing choices and eating habits, even aggressively pursuing her after she explicitly refuses to sign a dominant/submissive contract binding her to him. At one point in the film, Christian even breaks into Anastasia’s apartment after she ends their relationship, seeking to “remind” her of what she will miss.
The most harmful aspect of this film is that it blurs the lines between manipulative behavior and affection, negatively influencing millions of people to believe that it is possible for love to manifest itself through emotional and physical abuse. While some view the film as a spicy romance, “Fifty Shades of Grey” embraces manipulative and abusive emotional behavior, portraying nonconsensual sex as an erotic thrill in a culture where 43 percent of college students admit to resorting to coercive behavior to have sex. with a reluctant wife, according to CrisisConnectionInc. Films like these may be okay to consume for pleasure, but this film is an example in which life should not imitate art.
In these films, another message conveyed is that relationships filled with constant conflict and turmoil are what keeps the relationship exciting and preserves the “spark.” It’s easy to mistake the intense emotions that accompany the ups and downs of an emotionally abusive relationship for love. Know this: It’s okay not to fight. Feeling safe and calm in a relationship doesn’t mean your partner misses you. Let’s be clear: safety and boredom are not synonymous.
It worries me when I see how the public often rejects an abusive character portrayed in the media because of their appearance. We’ve seen a recent resurgence of obsession with actor Jacob Elordi following his portrayal of Elvis Presley in A24’s “Priscilla,” despite the fact that the film attempts to reveal the emotionally unstable and abusive to the king of rock and roll.
This doesn’t just apply to fictional characters: In November, “comedian” Matt Rife made a joke about domestic violence in his recent Netflix special, “Natural Selection.” In the special, he joked about a restaurant waitress with a black eye who took his order, when his friend suggested the restaurant should put the waitress in the kitchen so guests wouldn’t don’t have to see it. Then, Rife suggested that “if she could cook, she wouldn’t have this black eye.” It’s sickening that an artist would view domestic violence and victim blaming as cannon fodder for his next issue, but it’s even more devastating when we see how Rife’s career (and many other comics male) was built on jokes about misogyny, ableism and racism.
It is easier to determine the extent to which media can influence us when we understand that films and novels are pure fiction, but less so when we turn to social media for life advice – especially when the The algorithm ignores the exact situation. The side of TikTok and Instagram Reels that solicits advice for long-term relationships or marriage advice (also known as #marriagetok) offers advice to couples on how to maintain thriving relationships.
A potentially dangerous message that is often perpetuated on this side of social media is that the key to a successful relationship is “a willingness to have difficult conversations.” Although a relationship requires substantial communication to last, this advice may cause more harm than help for people in abusive relationships.
By suggesting that “difficult conversations” are necessary, victims of abuse may be led to believe that it is common to endure hurtful, or even frightening, interactions for the sake of their relationship. This message can also reinforce the idea that a victim is weak and unwilling to save their relationship if they cannot endure painful interactions. “Difficult conversations” with your partner should not involve yelling, humiliation, violent behavior, ultimatums, or fear for your life.
In healthy relationships, it is common to encounter difficult conversations when an issue needs to be resolved, but healthy conflict resolution never involves threats, manipulation, or belittling. If you find yourself in a situation where your partner is disrespecting, manipulating, isolating or controlling you, know that the abuse is never your fault and help is always available.
To discuss signs of abuse with confidential resources on campus, contact the PAGE Center in CUB 232 (page@ship.edu) or the Counseling Center located in Naugle Hall (717-477-1481).
If you or a student you know has been a victim of abuse, sexual harassment, sexual assault, dating violence, domestic violence, or stalking, the University can help meet your various needs , as outlined in the Sexual Misconduct Policy (Title IX).